Extra, Extra! Read All About It! Mammoth Meat And The AI Apocalypse!
Thursday, March 30th, 2023
Arkansas Sues Big Tech: The Unprecedented Power Move From a State Known for Walmart
Arkansas has sued TikTok, its parent company ByteDance, and Facebook's Meta, over claims that their products are harmful to users, even more so than the deep-fried Oreos at the county fair. The lawsuits accuse the companies of violating Arkansas’s Deceptive Trade Practices Act and seek potential fines amounting to millions, if not billions of dollars. According to one of the suits, Arkansas finally decided to join the rest of society and realize that Meta’s implementation of features such as like buttons, photo tagging, and unending news feed is addictive and "intended to manipulate users' brains by triggering the release of dopamine." It's good to know Arkansas has finally learned about basic neuroscience. If they keep at it, they’re bound to discover electricity within the decade! These lawsuits come amid growing pressure on TikTok and social media companies more broadly over mental health and privacy concerns. We're sure social media companies will suddenly start prioritizing mental health over profits because of these lawsuits.
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Federal Reserve Vice Chair Vows to Investigate Silicon Valley Bank Collapse, But Not Too Hard
During a congressional hearing, Federal Reserve Vice Chair for Supervision Michael Barr has pointed fingers at everyone but himself for the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank (SVB), including the bank's management, supervisors, and regulators. Wow, blaming everyone else for a bank's failure? That's like blaming the spoons for making you fat. Barr and his team of regulators are now required to produce a report on the SVB bankruptcy by May 1, hoping to distract everyone from their own failure to prevent it. In the end, SVB's collapse became the second-largest bank failure in US history, following Signature Bank's similar demise, and sparked a frenzy of deposit withdrawals from other regional banks. Quite legendary if you ask us.
The Ultimate Tool For Banks To Look Good, They Hope With Minimal Effort
New York-based startup Spiral has managed to raise $28m in a series A funding round led by Team8, proving that there's still hope for companies that use buzzwords like "sustainability", "social impact" and "ESG" without really knowing what they mean. The firm offers an Impact-as-a-Service platform that helps banks, credit unions and financial institutions pretend to care about the environment and social causes, while also making a profit. Their platform simplifies back-office operations, donation processing, compliance and technical integrations with charities, enabling banks and financial institutions to empower customers and businesses to contribute to charitable causes. With Spiral's help, even the greediest of banks can finally pretend to care about something other than their bottom line.
Lab-Grown Mammoth Meat: The Latest Addition to Your Hipster Charcuterie Board
Vow, a startup making lab-grown meat, has unveiled a meatball made of lab-grown mammoth meat at a science museum in the Netherlands. In order to concoct this bizarre creation, the company used genetic data from the woolly beast and filled in the gaps with data from its living relative, the African elephant. No one has tasted the meat because A. no one is particularly hankering for 4,000+ year-old protein and B. it would need to undergo rigorous testing before being brought to market. Vow is among over 75 companies worldwide developing lab-grown meat products. Though Singapore is the only country to have approved the sale of cultured meat so far, we can already hear the paleo dieters in LA drooling over the thought of adding mammoth meat in their bone broth.
Pandora’s Box of Artificial Intelligence: We F**ked Around and Found Out
Tech elites have finally realized that they may be playing with fire as they call for a halt on the development of powerful AI systems. The same geniuses who were once all gung-ho about the potential of AI are now taking a step back from the dangerous race to create unpredictable black-box models with emergent capabilities. Elon Musk, Steve Wozniak, and more than a thousand other Karens with AI expertise have issued an strongly-worded open letter, warning that safety protocols need to be put in place before we start creating systems that are more powerful than GPT-4. Wow, it only took them a few years to figure this out. Alexa, play “Too Little, Too Late” by Jojo!