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Controversial Companies: Crypto and Adult Content
Friday, August 4th, 2023
1. OnlyFans, OnlyGans
Ami Gan, CEO of OnlyFans, has decided to gracefully step down after a grueling couple of years basking in the glory of online adult content. Chief Strategy and Operations Officer Keily Blair will now take on the monumental task of leading this bastion of artistic expression, where the company generously showered creators with $10 billion during Gan's reign. Despite OnlyFans being the ultimate life calling for an aspiring CEO, the gig apparently comes with its own set of difficulties—like contending with pesky credit card companies and those bothersome lawmakers who just can't seem to appreciate the importance of a good, wholesome online peep show. Let's not forget that iconic moment when OnlyFans tried to pull a dramatic plot twist by banning adult content from the platform, only to sheepishly reverse course later (cue the gasps and clutching of pearls). But worry not, dear porn stars, Gan claims you'll still have a home on OnlyFans in five years, even though both she and Blair have conveniently dodged the question of how much of the platform's revenue is actually due to your, um, artistic contributions. As Gan bids adieu, Blair is championing data privacy, working to ensure that patrons viewing history remains confidential. So the saga of OnlyFans continues - a tale of passion, profit, and making sure your data isn't being passed around like a party favor at a particularly wild soirée.
2. GoStudent's Latest Funding for AI and VR Enabled Education
GoStudent, the tutor marketplace with a wellspring of cash ($686.3 million to be precise), has just secured another $95 million from Deutsche Bank and a bunch of other investors eagerly throwing their money into the pot. This latest cash infusion, which they're creatively calling a "strategic fundraise," will apparently fuel their quest to bring "enhanced hybrid learning solutions" to the DACH region. Translation: more online and offline learning stuff, plus a dash of GoVR, their new virtual reality platform for language learning. And guess what? They, like everyone else, have also discovered artificial intelligence and are venturing to make A.I.-driven tools that will revolutionize education, or at least shave 15 minutes off each tutor's lesson planning time. With 23,000 tutors on their platform, GoStudent's CEO is beaming with pride about their path to creating custom learning curricula using A.I. and VR. What student wouldn't want their education to be video game-ified?
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3. Crypto's Hour in the Sun
Coinbase, the cryptocurrency exchange platform, has triumphantly beaten revenue expectations for the second quarter of 2023. Their secret weapon? Interest income! Furthermore, Coinbase's executives have boldly declared that they're totally going to beat the SEC lawsuits, where the regulator insists they were trading crypto assets without proper registration and licensing. Chief Legal Officer Paul Grewal channeled his inner motivational speaker, assuring everyone that victory was practically in the bag. We like the confidence Grewal! Meanwhile, Coinbase shares took a tiny stumble in extended trading, but who cares about a minor hiccup when you're riding a blistering 156% rally wave, right?
4. Tesla's E.V. Range Misadventure
In a shocking turn of events that no one could have possibly seen coming, Tesla, the beacon of honesty and transparency, is being sued by three California owners of its electric vehicles for allegedly fibbing about their cars' driving ranges. The plaintiffs are accusing the company of advertising that their cars can journey to the moon and back on a single charge, only to find out they barely make it out of the driveway without needing a power nap. This revelation comes after a riveting exposé revealed that Tesla had established a "Diversion Team"... which already sounds pretty sketchy. Apparently, Tesla's range estimates are about as accurate as a horoscope, with their algorithms giving your car's range superficial boosts. Notably, Elon Musk is said to have given the directives to falsify battery ranges, showing us once again that the key to innovation is making stuff up.
5. Tweet No More!
Elon Musk has waved goodbye to Twitter as we know it and the infamous blue bird logo, transforming it into the cryptic realm of "X," complete with a logo that looks like it's straight out of a superhero movie. After 17 years of the iconic blue bird, Musk decided it was time for a change, presumably because ruling over SpaceX and electric cars wasn't enough. The move to the enigmatic "X" has left users scratching their heads and questioning if they're still allowed to tweet or if they need a secret handshake to access the new "everything app." While branding experts nervously clutched their Twitter merch, Musk defended his decision with a tweet that said, "Goodbye Twitter, hello... well, whatever this is." Not quite the successful rebrand if the ex-CEO doesn't even know what's going on. As the sun sets on the blue bird, one can only wonder if we're all just characters in Musk's grand game of techopoly, eagerly awaiting the moment he renames Earth to Planet X.