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Caution! Two Monopoly References and a Notorious B.I.G. Lyric Ahead!
Thursday, March 23rd, 2023
Revolutionary A.I. Tool Helps Programmers Get Back to What They Do Best - Napping at Work!
GitHub released an update to its Copilot tool that helps software developers write and debug their code more easily. The software allows engineers to ask questions about different code snippets and automatically generate descriptions of what their code is doing. It’s weirdly soothing to hear that not even computer programmers have job security — A.I. is coming for them just like the rest of us!
Stripe's Funding Round: More Money, More Payments, More Problems?
Payment processing platform Stripe has raised more than $6.5 billion in a Series I funding round at a valuation of $50 billion, representing a significant fall in its value from $95 billion last year and $63 billion earlier this year. It's like playing a game of Monopoly with a 5-year-old — no matter how hard they try, they end up losing $45 billion in value. Backed by eminent investors, including Andreessen Horowitz, Thrive Capital, and Goldman Sachs Asset and Wealth Management, Stripe plans to use the funds to provide liquidity to current and former employees (a.k.a these employees pass go and collect $200) and to address tax obligations related to equity awards.
Environmental Activists Sue Meta for Failing to Clean-Up Toxic Facebook Content
In what can only can be described as a completely unsurprising turn of events, Facebook's parent company, Meta, finds itself embroiled in scandal - this time with prominent German environmental group Environmental Action Germany (D.U.H). The D.U.H is accusing the social media giant of allowing insults, graphic threats of violence, and even murder against activists of the organization to spread on the platform for weeks before being taken down. The case is set to go to trial in Berlin on March 28th, 2023. Another day, another scandal for Meta. At this point, we’re pretty sure their PR team is just one person screaming into a pillow.
Cryptocurrency ATMs Prove to Be as Secure as a Bachelor's Degree in the Job Market: General Bytes Hacked for $1.5 Million in Bitcoin
General Bytes' cryptocurrency ATMs were recently at the center of a massive heist, as hackers exploited a “zero-day vulnerability” to steal over $1.5 million in Bitcoin. The ATMs are used by people to exchange Bitcoin for other currencies, which is kind of like exchanging Monopoly money for real cash, except less fun. General Bytes has since patched the vulnerability, but customers who lost funds are out of luck. It's a harsh reminder that when it comes to digital assets, there's no F.D.I.C to bail you out. We hope the perpetrators are brought to justice, or at least forced to mine Bitcoin for a living until they learn their lesson.
MUA's Kissing Machine: Because Nothing Says 'Intimacy' Like Silicone
MUA, a Chinese start-up named after the sound people make when blowing a kiss, has created a kissing machine for long-distance lovers. The device is a mobile stand with pursed silicone lips that can be activated by an app. Not only do the lips warm up, but they are also able to capture sound and movement data via sensors. Users can then transmit their kiss data to other users through the app and replay make-out sessions (because sharing is caring). While some found it uncomfortable, others found it intriguing, with the top complaint lamenting the device’s lack of tongue. Who needs a human partner when you can have a silicone mouth that's always ready to get freaky?
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