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Another Day, Another Hack
Monday, June 19th, 2023
1. Oracle Says, “Who Needs Job Security Anyway?”
Oracle has decided to add hundreds of job cuts, rescinded job offers, and slashed open positions within its health unit to its impressive repertoire. This move aligns with the latest corporate trend of cutting jobs while simultaneously battling the inflation and rising interest rates drama. Oracle's health unit, which includes the electronic medical records firm Cerner, is facing a bit of a pickle due to its work with the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. It turns out the VA had the audacity to hire Cerner to replace its homemade medical records with Cerner's own technology. The cherry on top? The lucky laid-off employees will receive a generous severance package of a whole four weeks' pay, plus an extra week for each year of service, and even a payout for those long-awaited vacation days. Oracle, being the epitome of communication prowess, has yet to provide a comment on this matter.
2. Uber Takes Customer Engagement to New Heights with Non-Stop Video Ads
Uber has decided to grace its users with the wonderful gift of video ads across all its apps which we're sure will be a great improvement for user experience. Mark Grether, the vice president of Uber's advertising division, announced that these video ads will play while users impatiently wait for their rides and even during their trips. Uber Eats customers will also have the pleasure of video ads accompanying them from the moment they place their orders until their deliveries arrive, while Drizly will generously provide video ads in search results and various areas of the app and website. So, get ready for a non-stop commercial extravaganza, because Uber is here to ensure that no corner of their app is left ad-free. Delightful.
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3. Oopsies! Another Government Hack!
It has been revealed that several U.S. government agencies have fallen victim to a cyberattack. It seems like everyone and their grandma is getting hacked these days. This time, the hackers exploited a software bug that had already wreaked havoc on major businesses in the U.K. and spread the love to the US. The extent of the hack is still unknown, but let's just say it's not a good sign when even the Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency admits that "several federal agencies" have been penetrated. They're working "urgently" to understand the damage, which is definitely reassuring. We live in a digital world where the only thing more common than cyberattacks is a Kardashian selfie, so let's just sit back and enjoy the chaos. It's not like we rely on government agencies for anything important, anyway.
4. Mercedes Unveils ChatGPT: The AI Companion That Listens to Your Incoherent Ramblings
Mercedes is unleashing the ultimate luxury upon its already luxurious vehicles in the form of ChatGPT so now, American Mercedes owners can enjoy the distracting experience of talking to an A.I. while driving. Mercedes assures us that this brilliant integration will revolutionize the art of multitasking behind the wheel, enabling you to discuss profound topics and seek dinner recipe recommendations while still pretending to pay attention to the road. And don't worry about privacy, because Mercedes will happily store and analyze your conversations, gaining valuable insights into your innermost desires. Buckle up and get ready to talk to your car like it's your new best friend.
5. Microsoft's Headline-Worthy Valuation
Microsoft has managed to reach a valuation of nearly $2.6 trillion. Everyone is losing their minds over the potential of artificial intelligence, and Microsoft, being the AI overlord it is, is reaping the benefits. They've heavily invested in OpenAI, the startup behind the oh-so-popular ChatGPT chatbot, that now they're being hailed as the A.I. leaders of the software industry. According to JPMorgan analysts, generative AI will lead to a resurgence of confidence in Microsoft's software franchises. Congrats to Microsoft for reaching this milestone. May the algorithms forever be in their favor.